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We've been close companions for over two decades, a person who's faced and conquered many obstacles, which I admire. Yet, she's repeatedly taken by surprise by others. Her husband left her, and it was an unexpected event. Several of her social circle drifted away during that time, since they had been drawn to the spouse. It shocked her. She put in greater energy in our friendship, likely understood more acutely the meaning of companionship.

A Recurring Theme of Disappearance

Over the years, several close to her have drifted apart leaving her knowing the cause. Her previous job became hostile, although she was very skilled at her work, her exit happened without knowing what had changed.

Current Dynamics

Lately, we have each left the workforce and are seeing each other more, yet I realize the part I play in our friendship is to listen. I start subjects only for her to redirect them to her own topics. In terms of politics, she expresses unyielding views. My effort is to propose double-checking information or other angles.

She is planning a trip to a nation I've visited on several occasions even called home previously. I attempted to share advice, yet it was unappreciated. She essentially just desired validation of her plans. I have come back from 30 days in that country and she wants to meet, but I don't.

Evaluating the Situation

I hesitate to act as a friend who cuts and runs without a word, but I don't think she can understand the consequences of her behaviour on how I feel about myself. Right now, I find myself in distancing myself. What's the best step?

Possible Paths

It's possible to cut and run, but it is rarely the easy answer we hope for. But confrontation aiming for resolution requires bravery and openness for each of you.

Therapists recommend using a practical approach to handling disagreements:

"Step one is to state what typically happens when you talk. It should be as factual as possible like what a recording device would replay. The second is to tell her how it leaves you feeling. Ideally, there's no argument about this. What you feel are valid, naturally. Step three is to ask how the two of you going to change the dynamics between you."

Keep in mind she too holds perspectives, thus requiring you to remain ready to listen to her. A helpful technique is telling to the other person:

"Now you talk while I will remain silent for 30 minutes."

It's remarkably effective to encourage better communication.

Closing Considerations

Your friend may dismiss everything, as some people hold onto a self-protecting mindset: they rely on a story regarding their experiences they cannot abandon since their identity relies on it and it's all familiar to them. This poses a challenge as there is no clear path in such cases, mere obstacles. However, she might at first react defensively then consider on your words. If you never reach a fix, it will give you closure knowing you were open and direct.